One of those nights...

last night i and three other people spontaneously decided to go to a jazz pistols concert in one of the small cellar clubs here. the band, which consists of three guys playing drums, guitar and bass, is actually from this region, but internationally established and the guys are some of the best musicians you can find here.
we came a little late to the club, when the band was taking a break, and so missed the first part of the gig, but they went on long enough later.
they started to play and the music got under my skin and right into my heart. i was in heaven, unable to get the smile off of my face. it was so intense and full of energy, and this jazz just rocks! because the club is so small and a not very large amount of people fit in there, it was a very familiar atmosphere. i was standing right in front of the stage and had a close look at the band.
after the gig we talked to the drummer for a while, who is a really cool and funny guy, and i have a crush on him somehow.
we went to a restaurant afterwards and had another drink there; in the end i was, again, pretty drunk. the bad headache i woke up with this morning was the downside of everything.
desperately trying to write a three-paper assignment for one of my classes right now. due is today. i have no idea how to finish this, especially because i'm gonna go to vb practice tonight, since it is the last time before christmas break.

Hazy notion

i'm slightly drunk... came home tonight after a martyrdom of a journey, with bus, tram and train and waiting periods up to one hour in between, in windy and rainy weather. and then my room mates and some friends were there, about to make feuerzangenbowle and after 3 and a half cups i just had to go to bed (with my laptop).
we had a band rehearsal yesterday and at night i went out with old friends to drink something before going to the movies. i slept at my dad's house. i didn't do anything for uni this weekend and now my bad conscience is haunting me. and i'm running away... last night i was so happy to be a single, i don't know why. sometimes i am. i feel freer.
i can't believe it's only one month left and then already another year is past. i'm getting so old. but next year everything's going to be better... i know it. it just has to.

A university miracle

i'm doing a class this term in german studies to get my didactics credit for this subject. it started yesterday and i couldn't believe what happened: we are only 5 people (lecturer not counted)! above all, two of them are guest auditors and one is an exchange student from slovakia. i've never seen this in my whole university career. especially in the german studies the seminars are overcrowded or at least always full. is that because it is on fridays? or are there so many other seminars where you can get an equal credit?

One ends, one begins

six weeks of school internship behind me. first day of new term.
the day turned out to be better than i thought and i thought it's going to be terrible when i woke up this morning. my motivation to go to my seminars this term is at about -150 or so.
usually i'm at v. practice at this point of time, but my back hurts again and i don't feel like it.

in the previous weeks i learned that getting up early isn't that bad when you have a reason and a goal. going to school and teaching was a good thing. ok, the bigger part was sitting in classes and observing but hey, i had fun and hilarious company.
in my co-op everything's the same. my room mates are partly annoying and partly nice company. it goes like this: we have discussions about cleaning up and about things that should be repaired; that causes bad atmosphere and then suddenly we're overcome with something and we're one united team again and clean up together or do other great things. on friday we all went downstairs to the 1 euro shop and bought a little plastic frankenstein head and a little plastic pumkin. purpose: our toilet flush has been broken since ages and now we built a great construction with our toilet tank and with a lace and the pumkin and the frankenstein. don't ask. typically, we didn't finish it. we tried out different laces but couldn't find an appropriate one. now the half done tank cover is still lying there in the bathroom.

Music was my first love...

.

Yawn

"und wieviel ist dir geblieben!
und wie schön ist noch die welt!
und, mein herz, was dir gefällt,
alles, alles darfst du lieben!"
(Heine)

oh boy the last two weeks have been pretty different from my usual semester break. i'm tired when i get home and glad when i have time to just relax. but in general i'm ok with my life right now. i get up early every morning to go to the school. i bike to the next bigger station and then go by train. today i was at a seminar in ka the whole day. the last two weekends we had tournaments and on sunday i went to a band rehearsal, which again lasted 3 or 4 hours. it looks like the one saxophonist will finally quit or something like that, which means that i get to play all the gigs. and i have to show up at the rehearsals. playing with the band is so much fun. and the tournaments are so much fun. besides that i have the apartment just for myself, because my roommates are gone and not gonna be back until in 2 weeks or so.
my good friend left for england today. i said goodbye yesterday.
otherwise there are no romantic stories, not even sex stories to tell, no love, no glory, no hero in her sky... but i accept my horrible fate with dignity and wait for the things to come.

Six years already

Cheers!

sitting here with my flatmate in front of the tv, drinking wine.. already a little tipsy...
when i went to run some errands tonight i met my lovely ex with his lovely girlfriend, walking arm in arm. to an italian restaurant by the way, where i used to go with him sometimes. yeah that was great, i must say... everything came back to me... shit...
i saw him at practice on wednesday too. next weekend we have a tournament and he's gonna play with us in one team..... recently he does not even react to a request or impersonal messages from me (he also doesn't really get in touch with a friend of mine anymore, who is, well used to be, a mutual friend). it's just annoying. kindergarden...
ok this has to have an end...
i know, i admit, it was a big mistake (big big mistake) to stay in contact with him, either because he was at the same place like i or because i somehow kept in touch with him myself through sms or whatever. i guess i was out of my mind...
i made a decision, finally, that i don't wanna see him anymore.. i'm gonna talk to him at this tournament and tell him at least not to come to practice anymore. it just won't work.
at the seminar in ka i found some cool guys, who kid around the whole time and i have much fun with them. we had a totally ridiculous lecturer (a dr. dr.) on thursday and we were sitting there in our seminar and died laughing... was a cool day.
ok wine is gone.. chatting with my ex ex lover.... buenas noches...

Back to the roots

yesterday was a looong day.. i had to get up at 5.15 in the morning and go by train to the first of the seminars that go along with my internship. The seminars are in ka, where i used to live and study for over 4 years. so, the whole thing went from 8.15 till 15.45. actually it was ok and interesting, but i was really beat-up when i came home.
in our lunch break we went to the pub/café downstairs. i met one of my former colleagues from the movie theater where i used to work. it was cool to meet him and talk to him for a while, especially since we used to get along well and i like him.
it was good to be in ka again. gosh, it's just definitely better with pubs where you can have a cheap meal and beer. it's bigger and less boring than here. i don't know, i just like the city and the people.
i'm relaxed today... i'm gonna have a coffee later with a friend from the band. then v. practice tonight. the next seminar is tomorrow. hopefully i can sleep some more this time.
i love ka...
why again did i leave?

I do everything except for what I should

yesterday: went to an open air event with different bands and saw revolverheld, 2raumwohnung, a band i forgot the name of and i didn't like, and wir sind helden. unfortunately, during the second gig my body acted up and i had to get out of that place. while walking (or whatever you can call my panic stumbling) i almost passed out. outside there were still hundreds of people but i just had to throw up. embarrassing. however, i stayed till the end.
today: i have to continue writing my damn fucking term paper, which is only half done by now. later i'm gonna go play beach. then probably, hopefully term paper again.
next week: the last week before my seminars and internship will start. boohoohooooo. gonna spend it under self-inflicted pressure (finish term paper! finish term paper! finish term paper!)

Relapses

i need somebody. i'm lonely. i have some friends, i have term papers to write, i have an internship, i now have the band, i have volleyball, i have my room mates, i go out, i try not to think too much.
but i also have an ex i still get upset about (and can't forget the negative things and how he treated me sometimes), i'm afraid of the future because time's running, i wake up and go to sleep with an awful feeling inside, i'm restless, and i think too much.
i need somebody. not because i really need somebody but because i want to forget. i need somebody because that makes it easier.

In spite of me

sometimes i tell a stranger all about you / they smile patiently with disbelief / i always knew you would succeed no matter what you tried and i know you did it all in spite of me / still i'm proud to be a part of your illustrious career / proud to be a step up on your way / proud to have known you for the short time that i did and i know you did it all in spite of me / late last night i saw you in my living room / you seemed so close but yet so cool / for a long time i thought that you'd be coming back to me / those kind of thoughts can be so cruel so cruel

(morphine)

Play that funky music

was on the road with the band the whole day and for a gig last night, too. driving there, set up, sound check, playing, dismantling, drinking, ride back. takes a lot of time. of course, i couldn't play some of the stuff and wasn't sure about many things, but this could not be expected after only one rehearsal. anyway, this is really fun and it'll be more fun when i get all the songs into my head and can play them right. with the band members i get along really good, it just matched right away. soooo, i'm probably playing two more gigs with them in october...

I'm in the band

currently i'm at home (at the original home), met friends last night and the night before and had a 'busy' day today. i'm coming from a beer garden, before that i was at the lake to play beach volleyball. in the morning, i went to a band rehearsal. the story behind it: an old friend or rather an old 'sax colleague' (i used to play with him in an ensemble a long time ago, and then again in the big band) lives in the same city like i do, and he's been playing sax in a band for years. the band's second saxophonist is now in a situation in which she may not make it to every gig because of her job. well, i've met this old friend lately now and then and he had the idea that i could fill in for her when she can't make it to a gig. so i was invited to the rehearsal day today to play with the band and check out everything. i know most of the guys from my school days here. right now they're playing with the following instrumentation: drums, guitar, bass, keyboard, 2 sax (would be 3 with me), trumpet, 2 singers. they play cover songs, funk/rock/soul stuff, jazz sometimes. so yea i could play as a substitute at two gigs so far. i'm probably not gonna do the one next weekend because i just need more than one rehearsal before it works on stage. but i'll be definitely with them in october and at other gigs, in case they need me. finally, my practically completed music career will continue now....
rock'n'roll, baby!

Old school

yummy..... i had a perfect dinner with some friends tonight. one of them learned cook and we met at his place today to chill out and focus on the really important things in life. he prepared a 5 course meal and we spent about four hours eating or so. too bad that i was so tired from the night before (went to a theme party - old school - and got a little drunk and spent the night there on a mattress in a strange apartment, trying to get some sleep). anyway, this is what the 5 course menu looked like:
1. rocket salad with hot mini tomatoes and mozzarella wrapped in bacon plus bread
2. tomatoes filled with rice and mushrooms plus onions
3. pork meat with fowl meat, carrot and spinach inside, with potato pancakes, vegetables and peppercorn sauce
4. vanilla ice cream and banana, with chocolate sauce, chocolate granules and a praline
5. cheese platter with grapes and bread
hmmm, i could have gone on and on with eating...
another good thing in life: music. i'm into funk, hip hop and jazz right now. i wish i could play saxophone again in a band or something. this is so much fun and i still hope i'll find some people someday..

PS. in case you haven't discover the roots yet... i'm not telling anything new with this: really good stuff!

State of affairs

two more weeks and my classes are over. right now i have to finish something for a presentation and have to study for two exams.
besides, i taught my first two lessons with a fellow student in a fifth grade, which was fun and went ok for most parts. we had to prepare and organize and write down A LOT before though.
in september i'll start with the first part of my school internship (6 weeks.. or 8?). so much for my holidays... i only have august to write my term papers. uni sucks.
i've started collecting yoko tsuno comics, which i used to read when i was younger and which fascinated me somehow.. so now i'm always happy when i'm able to purchase one of the volumes for a good price and when it finally arrives here so i can read it.
my one flatmate (the one i've been living with for a long time) will be moving out in february, going to new zealand. she's all excited. me, too... about a new flatmate.
next topic.... since there's not really a new man in my life, i guess i briefly write something about the old one. he's coming to practice again once a week and lately we went for a beer together and finally talked things out. it helped a little but it's still an annoying and strange situation to see him, because he's acting weird and putting himself in the role of an outsider. then, he still isn't able to do something with me alone.
a good friend from uni is going to england in september. another thing i don't want to think about, because i'm gonna miss doing things with him and he's one of the last people from uni that i sometimes meet. but i plan to visit him in england for some days. hopefully i can afford it. anyone coming with me?

Walk on the wild side

i had a really cool weekend.. five guys, another woman and I had big plans... on friday afternoon we packed our tents and bags and drove off to an outdoor volleyball tournament. it took us about 4 hours to get there because of the traffic, which was twice as long as we thought. the games were on saturday and sunday. there were over 80 teams who were playing, and in the end we came in 15th, which was amazing. we drank at friday night and we drank more at saturday night and danced on the tables till 3.30. at one point i found myself with a friend on the stage of the band that was playing there, bawling into the microphone (unfortunately it exists a video evidence of that embarrassing moment). alcohol is my excuse! i just had fun with camping and all the people and playing volleyball. what more could you want?
last night at v. practice i had to bear with my ex, who showed up too. again and still an asshole deluxe to me and treating me as if i had never been in his life. i'm glad that i know now that there are other people who are really ok and that i have a friend who's visiting me tomorrow and there's another old friend i'm gonna meet this week... i just remembered what tom hanks says in the movie 'cast away', when he's back home in memphis - without the woman he loves and feeling like a stranger:
"... and i know what i have to do now. i gotta keep breathing.. because tomorrow the sun will rise.. and who knows what the tide could bring?"

Over the years

Mit der Zeit lernst Du,
dass eine Hand halten nicht dasselbe ist
wie eine Seele fesseln.
Und dass Liebe nicht Anlehnen bedeutet
und Begleitung nicht Sicherheit.
Du lernst allmählich,
dass Küsse keine Verträge sind
und Geschenke keine Versprechen
und Du beginnst,
Deine Niederlagen erhobenen Hauptes
und offenen Auges hinzunehmen
mit der Würde des Erwachsenen,
nicht maulend wie ein Kind.
Und Du lernst,
all Deine Straßen auf dem Heute zu bauen,
weil das Morgen
ein zu unsicherer Boden ist.
Mit der Zeit erkennst Du,
dass sogar Sonnenschein brennt,
wenn Du zuviel davon abbekommst.
Also bestell Deinen Garten
und schmücke selbst
Dir die Seele mit Blumen,
statt darauf zu warten,
dass andere Dir Kränze flechten.
Und bedenke,
dass Du wirklich standhalten kannst...
und wirklich stark bist.
Und dass Du Deinen eigenen Wert hast.

(Kelly Priest)

This was almost comedy....

ladies and gentlemen, i just have to inform you about the latest events concerning my ex... this night, after my spanish class, i biked over to the sports place to meet two of my volleyball friends to do some sports. they had met there before and i was going to join them. now guess who was lying there at the beach field, too, coincidentally and paradoxically? yes.. my ex bf and his new girlfriend.... this alone was so strange that i couldn't believe it. well, then, like a brave tiger, i walked over to them (my ex was a little shocked and embarrassed to see me, i think) and said hallo what the hell are you doing here? then i asked his girlfriend if i could talk to her and she said yes and i sent my ex away. my friends told me later he was pissed about that and apparently complained that they didn't 'warn' him before that i would be coming, too.
so... i talked to her for quite a time (she's not that great, but actually kind of nice), and we found out some interesting things. for example that my ex told her that we already broke up at the end of last year and that he started to meet her sometimes in february or march (nothing 'more' happened though)... and so on.. obviously he lied to both of us, especially to me, of course.
i doubt that she is so clever to keep her hands off of him now, but at least she heard what i said and she doesn't forget...! she's a woman! funnily enough, she lately had the same breakup-story going on with her ex boyfriend.
well, this whole situation totally sucked but then it was almost very funny, so that i had to drink a beer and a quickie afterwards. normally something like that only happens in bad soap operas i guess. i've seen my ex about 4 times since we broke up; i guess this has an end now... unfortunately, a normal contact or friendship is extremely difficult when one person is.. uhm.. a liar...

In brief

cigarette units: see last post
alcohol units: a bit less than before, but still.........
feelings: not better
nightlife: late sleep and disturbing dreams
sex: nope
dates or something: none
the meaning of life: probably 42

Get over it!

just to catch up on some things: my ex (son of a bitch) has acquired a new girlfriend right after he broke up with me and newly does not even respond to messages or a call from me; so that's the situation i have to deal with right now. and, unfortunately, i deal with it a lot. actually i could go on and on about all this and what has happened or not happened and what was said, but i don't want to go into detail too much. so that's what's left: hate, anger, disappointment, jealousy, longing and some other desperate feelings (those that made me call him).
i've somehow managed to drink alcohol almost every day in the last 5 weeks and to smoke at least 15 cigarettes a day. i definitely need too much time to forget someone, because somehow i can't stop to feel bad.
with every guy in my life so far it has been more or less a disaster (or let's say it was always unconventional in some way). this right now is the worst i guess, regarding my emotional state. probably i just don't understand how someone can be such an asshole. well, i got to get over it but have no idea how. i'll see how and when it's going to happen. and then i'll try to find a nice guy..... haha, yeah sure...

...

eins und eins das macht zwei
drum küss und lächle dabei
wenn dir auch manchmal zum heulen ist
glücklich wer das heute genießt
und was vorbei ist vergisst
es kommt wie es kommen muss
erst kommt der erste kuss
dann kommt der letzte kuss
dann der schluss

(h. knef)

I'm a loser baby

oh man everything's a mess. i just don't see a purpose in my life or something i really can look forward to. i got a letter of refusal for the job in england today. i don't know if i would have gone there, but still - it would have been nice to have the possibility for it. my f****** bf dumped me. i think about him the whole time and miss him and hate him at the same time. i guess just nobody wants me... my original circle of friends here has disintegrated. i realize that i'm just not good in making new friends and being open and genial. jaaa, this is my life! tonight i'm gonna go out with our new flatmate, and then gonna see my ex flatmate again. saturday and sunday i'm playing at a tournament, where we also gonna party and spend the night. so i try to do a lot of things; sometimes it works and i'm distracted, sometimes it does not at all.

Dry your eyes mate...

since last night i'm single again after almost two years. i feel like shit and i'm crying the whole time. nothing can comfort me now. and i already miss everything...

Life amazes us despite our miserable future

it's been a perfect week so far with the weather... warm and sunny every day. i've spent a lot of time outside, most of it with playing beach volleyball. my bf doesn't know what he wants. we talked about a "break" on tuesday, whatever that means (rather a break-up i guess). he knows that he hasn't given me what i need. we spent the rest of the day together. we did everything together in the last few days. i can't eat much and i feel empty but then i also take and enjoy. i don't understand men. i know what i want, but i'm not able to realize it and i don't know what i should do. i'm still waiting for an answer. i wanna know what this is all about...
all that doesn't make any sense? absolutely! i'm as confused as you probably are.

*i learned the truth at seventeen that love was meant for beauty queens...*

i just came back from a trip to cologne with a friend. the idea was to go somewhere not too far away, so that we would only spend little money (this did not quite work..)

All that life wants is your time and your money

it's not that i want to complain or something... but at the moment it's just not going right... my term paper is driving me crazy; i don't come forth with it here. i just messaged my bf and asked him for the key to his place for this week. maybe a change of environment will help.
my internship is totally unorganized and nobody's really in charge. i don't do anything except observing in different classes. today i didn't even go there, which nobody cares about, and that says enough.
and just now we got a lovely letter with a back pay amount for the last year of over 700 euros.
the good news is that we've found a new room mate, finally, after more than two months. coming tomorrow. besides, it's beautiful weather outside, and i'm having a good time with my bf currently and i'm glad that i have him.

26

i'm 26 today, my age can be seen on my face.. got messages and calls and didn't go out last night and beautiful weather today, i haven't been outside yet... and it's carnival time, too... i have holidays and got to write term papers and read books, and i'm going out tonight, haven't decided where, with my boyfriend.. and i hope i did ok in my exams... and i'm sitting here waiting... for what? i don't know... no shower yet...

Too tired for a title

ok today it got worse.... last weekend we chose one of the people who had come for the room - who all were not what we would call the best options but what were we supposed to do? - so we chose a girl from the states and thought that this is done now, but tonight she sent an e mail and suddenly called off. now, again, we don't have anybody to move in here and we need somebody by thursday, which is almost impossible. man, aren't we lucky...
my interview for england went so-so. i really don't know if i get an employment and it will take a while until i hear from them.

Freak show

it's casting time for potential new flatmates for our apartment.... and can it get worse? only four people have come so far, and only three more to come. the first one a fat russian girl, the second one a russian girl, too (way too conservative), then we had a korean invasion (a guy, who brought two friends and none of them could speak more than 3 or 4 phrases in German) and the last one who showed up: a 40 year old freelance publisher, a long haired hippie kind of guy (and not very convincing). i'm hoping that somebody 'normal' and appropriate will show up soon, otherwise we really have a problem. how i hate this....

A new year

what remained the same:
- the lack of motivation for my classes
- my boyfriend
- the weather! you can say.... well... it's kind of warm...

what's new:
- i'll do an internship at a local school in february/march for 3 weeks. i do that voluntarily.
- i reduced my smoking a bit. seriously!
- my haircut